JANUARY 20, 2021 — President-elect Joe Biden, having spent the last four decades preparing for this moment, stuns the crowd by walking out on to the stage of his inaugural address wearing a studded leather jacket and black skinny jeans instead of the traditional suit. His signature aviator sunglasses complete the ensemble. Brian Williams, commenting live on MSNBC, is beside himself with grief. “How could we have been led so far astray by someone who, by all accounts, was an honest, decent, God-fearing capitalist?”
Chief Justice John Roberts, clearly uneasy with this sudden and unexpected turn of events, walks up with a print copy of the Satanic Bible which Biden will use for his oath of office. Biden makes history as America’s first Satanic President. Everyone laughed when Donald Trump said that Joe Biden would “hurt God, hurt the bible.” But no one is laughing now.
After the oath of office is completed, Led Zeppelin takes to the stage and begins playing a concert set. Suddenly a glowing staircase reveals itself, and Biden begins to ascend. The stairway to heaven is opened, the Weather Underground’s fifty year conspiracy is leading to its ultimate culmination. Biden smirks as he walks up the stairs, knowing that he is about to change the course of history in ways that are irreversible.
He makes his way to Saint Peter’s gate and walks through, paying no mind to the old spirit attempting to dissuade Biden from what he is about to do. “This,” he thought, “this is my destiny.” The angels look on in horror. None are powerful enough to stop Biden, the sheer strength of his evil transcends the boundaries of space and time. Not even the spirit of Corn Pop could stand up to Biden now that he has achieved his ultimate form.
God begins to tremble as Biden approaches, knowing that nothing can stop what is about to happen. “I’m about to show you how we do things in Scranton,” Biden yells as he walks with an indescribable swagger. As he makes his way to God’s throne, Biden raises his fists. Suddenly, he strikes God! God is down, on the floor. Biden spits on God, and issues his ultimatum. “Don’t mess with me again, fats. Earth belongs to Satan and Marx now.” As Biden walks away, the spirit of Jesus Christ attends to his father’s bleeding nose. God is wounded, but this is only the beginning.
Watching these events unfold in horror, the nation is silent. Chris Matthews weeps. The cast of Fox and Friends begin reciting the Lord’s prayer repeatedly on live television. Biden descends back down to earth, laughing, and gives a brief inaugural address. “Let this be a lesson to all of you. That I, uh, did the thing. You know, you know the thing. The thing was good… So don’t cross me, or else I’ll drop you like a sack of bread!” The secret service shepherds President Biden to his car, a restored retro black Corvette. Biden recently had some body work done on it to match his newfound sense of style: flames on the sides of the car and a red pentagram painted on the hood. He speeds off to the White House, eager to execute the next phase of the grand plan.
As Biden arrives at the White House, a coven of witches convenes on the front lawn. They begin a ritualistic chant. Disparate English phrases can be deciphered between the words spoken in the ancient wiccan language. “Eat the rich. Down with the bourgeois. The proletariat will rise again.” The ghost of Karl Marx ascends from the depths of hell. Capitalism has been cancelled.
Although many suspected that Barack Obama was the anti-Christ, he was only a red herring for the true devil in disguise: Joseph Robinette Biden. Watching the festivities on a TV set built in 1992, Bernie Sanders wallows. Jane walks up to him and asks “what’s wrong, my sweet socialist? This is all we’ve ever dreamed of!” Bernie responds sullenly, “I know. But it should have been me.”
With the world descending into a state of anarchy, Biden announces the appointment of Lavar Ball as his Press Secretary. “Just remember: BBB. Build Back Better. Big Baller Brand. We gotta hit bottom before we can conquer the heavens.” After a surreal press conference in which the representative from One America News Network set herself on fire in protest, Biden retired to the White House residence for a brief respite.
Meanwhile, Neera Tanden takes to Twitter to defend President Biden. “All things considered, he’s still a much better President than Donald Trump.” Rachel Maddow boldly declares the first day of the Biden administration a resounding success. Just like that, the sycophantic cultist mentality of American politics switched back again from the right to the left.
As the District of Columbia burns to the ground, Biden gazes on from the balcony with a smile on his face. His wife Jill walks up beside him; he sniffs her hair. She hurriedly grabs his hand and sucks his fingers. “You know me too well, baby. That’s exactly what I need right now. But I’ve got one last thing I got to do today.”
The press core assembles in the oval office as Biden takes his first official action as President: a declaration of war against the heavens. “As Americans, we need to dream of a bigger, brighter future free from the tyrannies of capitalism and religion. That is why tonight I am making the unprecedented decision of calling for the complete eradication of all Gods and Goddesses of every religion! We must attack and dethrone them!”
Trump’s prophesy was now fulfilled. Thanks to the oracles at Fox News, nobody could say that we weren’t warned: